Today feels like the calm after the storm, only the storm caught us all off guard and the damage is internal. My heart is broken and no amount of duct tape or super glue can fix it. The quiet at the farm today has felt peaceful at times and other times overwhelmingly lonely. The phone has stopped ringing. Most of our friends and family have gone back to their homes. Even facebook is quiet.
The storm started a week ago, almost exactly. We waited for the phone to ring again, this couldn't be true. How? When? WHY? Waiting for more information, but not wanting to hear it, as it confirmed one of the saddest moments of my life.
She was 35. She was Healthy! She was Happy! She was FULL of life and had so many new passions she was pursuing.
And now, she is gone.
And I miss her already.
And I can't imagine my life without her.
What about our plans?
Dinner this week?
Christmas baking?
Running the marathon?
The "week of cake"?
All of it, is it really over?
And how do I deal with the outward calm, when inside, the storm is still raging? My heart is still breaking.
I want to pick up the phone and hear her say "Hey, Lady". I want to get a text with a recipe or a picture of something she thinks I should make. I want to hear her laughter, see the twinkle in her eyes, just one more time.
We all do.
That's why yesterday, at 1:00, the church in my hometown was as full as it had ever been. Standing room only upstairs and down. The clinic where she worked CLOSED for the entire day so her coworkers could pay their respects. Her friends drove and flew in from all over the country.
We proceeded to the cemetery outside of town, the sun warming the beautiful wood that held our beautiful friend. And as the service was finishing, dirt from the farm forming a cross on that sun-warmed wood, a flock of geese flew over. The sun reflected on their down, so they sparkled almost like glitter. Some saw a "K" others saw an angel in their glittery lack of formation. Her beautiful niece, snuggling in my arms saw Tinkerbell.
And then they were gone. And the people left soon after. And there we were, just a small group, hugging and crying and not wanting to walk away, because if we did it would be over, forever. And how could that be?
Maybe the storm is over? Maybe it will come and go? All I know is I am sad, sadder than I have possibly ever been. And I can't believe she is gone.
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| My 6th Birthday ~ We celebrated them all together! |
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| Her 30th Pirate-Themed Birthday Party |
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| Just an ordinary night. |
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| Our last visit. What a happy memory! |
