Anniversaries

Tomorrow morning when I wake up it will be the three month anniversary of my broken heart.  The three month anniversary of losing a cherished friend.  The three month anniversary of questions and tears and sadness. 

Not a day has gone by in the last three months that I haven't thought of her.  Missed her.  Remembered her.  Wanted to see her.

I don't cry every day anymore.  Some days I find myself smiling or laughing as memories float by.  Other days I am completely caught off-guard by a tidal wave of grief.  And disbelief.  And some days, I look for her wherever I can find her. 

I have done so many things in the last 3 months that I never ever would have imagined myself doing.  I have done so many things without her that I wouldn't have typically done.  And I know it is just the beginning of this year of firsts. 

My sister keeps saying, "I can't believe this is part of my story." 

I say, "Me either."

She says, "We were supposed to grow old together."

I say, "We were."

And so tomorrow, we'll wake up to the 3 month anniversary of losing you.  It makes me not want to go to bed to postpone waking up.  I don't like this kind of anniversary. 

Maybe, as time passes, we'll be able to face these days with more joy and less sadness. 

But tonite, I cry for the friend I lost too soon.  Thinking long winter days are so much longer and wintery without her. 

January 2009

I miss you!